Spartan Life Coach uttered one phrase during his videos which has become a bit of a personal mantra, since I have become more fully aware of narcissists and how they operate.
Please forgive the profanity however in this instance I believe it is entirely appropriate.
Don’you f@#$g dare.
I wholly subscribe to this view now. If I am pushed these days, my inner mongoose appears.
Source: Barcroft TV
One aspect of dealing with a narcissistic family dynamic which I found particularly pathetic was the royal command. Without fail family members were required to attend various events. I could never understand why a grown adult seemed unable to cut the apron strings and would respond to his family of origin, with what had appeared to be almost total obedience-worse still he expected all of us to fall in behind him. Before I even knew what “No Contact” was I went “No Contact”, with half the in-laws in 2008. I had noticed how things had immediately improved, although I had no idea why. It took me almost another decade to cut contact with the rest of them. Of course they have tried to flout this in every way they can. I noticed that whenever they gave us anything, it was never really ours. Apparently it was always just a loan. Then suddenly one day they would demand it back in order to give it to somebody else. I think narcissists are the same with people. In their mind you always belong to them, whether you realise it or not. You have just been set aside so they can play with something/somebody else for a while. They expect to be able to come back and play with you and to find you where they left you, whenever it suits them.
Mark Lawrence(AZ Quotes)
In the end it seems we’re just toys. Easy to break and hard to mend.
How many of us who have experienced narcissistic abuse end up moving homes? Some even decide to move countries. In many cases this relocation can be an amazing opportunity. In my case the one time my youngsters decided briefly to have my ex narc on loud speaker phone, he had managed to mock my plans. You know the kind of thing, so I won’t go into details.
Nonetheless I pressed on and here I sit writing in my new home. Life still presents occasional challenges but I feel like I am on another planet. I think I must have been living in Narc Central before my move. I wonder if they are all drawn together, as I swear the vast majority of people I encountered there, were somewhere on the upper end of the narcissistic spectrum. I realise now that I had been living totally on edge for decades. It was his world but it had never been mine. Now it feels like I am back in my world, I have to pinch myself to check it’s real. My years living in Narcville, have left me profoundly mistrustful but I am starting to chill out a little now and I even experience moments of pure joy.
Today was just such a day. I spent time with a friend, who loves my new home as much as I do. People don’t barge into me anymore. They stop at crossings. They wait patiently in the checkout queue and above all they actually smile.
When we are going through the trauma of divorce and separation, the future can seem daunting but if we plod on, keep moving one foot, however tentatively, in front of the other, (even when the path ahead seems to have disappeared into dark and even occasionally dangerous undergrowth), one day light will break through and life will begin again.
2 Corinthians 5:17
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!
For the past six months I had been quietly looking for a new home. This can be a very stressful experience. I had seen some very interesting places. One place claimed to have two bedrooms. They actually were an insult to even the word” cupboard”.
Another was a hotel room which had somehow been reclassified as a flat. The chief thing I remember was how many doors had to be unlocked between the front entrance and the eventual “flat”. Aside from the disconcerting number of locked doors,
there was the ever present fear that I would be doomed to wander eternally lost, through the corridors of this “Fawlty Towers”.
I lost count of the number of unsuitable properties, from which I had ended up walking despondently away, before I had found my own little slice of heaven. It was small. I didn’t know how we could make it work-but we have. I knew from the moment I arrived in the area, I belonged here. It had felt like coming home-not returning to “cult headquarters” but home. I had found the area before I had found the actual property. I loved the area so much, I took time out from house-hunting, just to spend the day there. I had decided to check online to see what was available, on the off chance I might find somewhere and there it was- our cosy apartment. It had all fallen into place and we have settled here happily.
I write this as words of encouragement for those of you still dealing with those early struggles, as you contemplate a new life, away from everything to which you have become accustomed. I wake up most mornings and my first thought is normally.
“Thank you God!”
It is not easy but eventually life can begin again after narcissistic abuse.
Gifs from Giphy.com
In my view it is not really possible to deal with narcissistic abuse without at least beginning to acknowledge there is a spriritual dimension to all this. Things I had learned from my alternative friend had really helped me understand. Too many weird things happen when you are caught in a narcissistically abusive situation, for it all to be dismissed as a coincidence. These toxic beings share such similar behaviours. In my experience, I was often attacked by people who had no obvious connection with the primary abuser. Things used to work in my life and then suddenly it was almost as if nothing worked. Once I made him number one, suddenly I was engaged in some mysterious struggle, with forces I did not understand. I eventually had very little choice but to lean on God. Time and time again his nasty little schemes had come undone, as God had stepped in. He, (the toxic being)had become wary. Even he recognised that he was not getting everything his own way. He had learned to tread a little more carefully. I liked to think he was becoming more content. We could go months without incident. Then something, normally related to his family of origin, would trigger him and our peace would once more be shattered. I removed objects from the house associated with the troublemakers and did a lot of praying. I worked on the philosophy that as long as we were having five positive experiences for every negative one, things were ok. Part of him was trying to break free from the dark forces controlling him, I am sure but he couldn’t quite do it. The point was made to me that whilst he had really seemed to relish the times where we were allowed to get quietly on with our family life, in the end he constantly enabled those who sabotaged it.
As it was pointed out to me, yes others were always causing mischief but he was allowing it to happen.