Innocence Lost

Walking around everywhere at all hours, was just something I did. It used to drive my parents nuts.

Source:giphy.com

I did have a few nasty scrapes but I am or at least was, pretty street smart.

I mean I would walk through The Old City in Jerusalem, totally alone. Generally I felt safe, except for the occasion a bunch of guys had gathered behind me, telling me I had dropped something. I probably had, but there was no way I was headed back into their little throng, to collect whatever it was.

When Jill Meagher had been murdered, it  had really made me think about the way I had lived my life. I would have probably walked those fateful few hundred metres home unaccompanied too, just as she had.

I have been to Ireland many times. The Irish are always so sociable and friendly. I watched Jill chat happily to strangers (from surveillance  camera footage) as she headed on her way. I thought how typically Irish.

She had done nothing wrong. I do confess I would likely have started screaming, immediately any guy came anywhere near me at two in the morning but other than that, I realised how easily, I could have found myself in her shoes. Yet somehow I had always trusted God to keep me safe.

However, I had nonetheless found myself trapped in a situation (my relationship) which was very unsafe and I was not dealing with a stranger in a dark alleyway. My faith in God took a serious hit. I know I would never have survived without him watching over me but it had damaged my trust.

My EX had total control over the finances. I was rarely allowed input. I set up the children while he was away one time with Commonwealth Bank accounts in an attempt  to give them some control over their finances. He had then set them up with further Commonwealth Bank Accounts which he then had control over. He ran these accounts until our separation. when he had finally started to cede control to them. Although there was shenanigans over the address attached to their bank accounts.

I had believed we were getting back together. He had been set up with counselling so I had believed he might have changed. The only access to money for me was the credit card. I had no access to the statements.I had used to receive the same statements as him. (?)I believe he may have also opened another account. I had threatened him with a forensic accountant during the divorce but it was a thousand dollars upfront I didn’t really have, so I had backed off when he had appeared to settle down. I probably paid half his legal fees too.All of my legal fees were paid from mý share of the settlement He had worked out that by paying for absolutely everything on the credit card he would effectively be making me pay for half of everything in a divorce settlement, so he really paid very little by way of support for the children. Including my trip home His sister is an accountant. She was clearly involved at times, although I am unsure to what extent. The paperwork my lawyer received from her appeared reasonable- more sensible than his anyway.

He made my son angry with me again, claiming I was keeping stuff from his (My son’s ) bank. I have kept emails etc from the time so I can prove this. He wanted to make my son angry so that he(my son) would make the wretched family PO Box his home address, so my ex and his family still had control.

He had later tried to change both my children’s addresses to the PO Box. The day was saved by one of the smartest people in this whole sorry saga 🙏 who had seen through his games. I can never thank you enough. You were one of the few people who earned my respect by not allowing yourself to be fooled by his games.

Plausible Deniability He had always ensured he had plausible deniability. In the case of the post office he ensured he could claim he had changed the children’s addresses by accident.

It wasn’t just the abusive individual, it was all the enablers, who destroyed my faith in human nature. The world changed for me long before Covid-19.

I am completely exhausted! I have never been allowed the time and space to recover from his machinations. With malignant narcissists you are always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Although if you start to lecture me about what I should be doing, I may just find the energy to throw a shoe at you myself!

giphy.com
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