Today I finally lost it with the mob of people, mostly maskless, who sit outside the cafe, which I have to successfully navigate, if I want to get anywhere.
I have had to adopt several new techniques, to get through my daily life since the advent of Covid-19.
Technique No. 1
I call The Frill Neck Lizard.
Every time the lift stops at a floor in our building, I turn round face the door and puff up to twice my size, lest another moron thinks of getting in the lift with me. (despite the fact that we have been officially informed that only one person is allowed to occupy the lift at a time, during the current pandemic. )
(Yes I did have one woman blithely enter the lift with me, which is why I adopted the technique in the first place. I was trapped till I was able to get out at the next floor, which was two floors below where I had intended to go. I have been adopting The Frill Neck Lizard Pose regularly ever since.) I was ready for her the next time she tried it, with my finger poised on the close door button and for once I reacted with lightning speed. Perhaps my reaction time has actually improved due to our current predicament.)
Unfortunately I suspect I may have inadvertently prematurely aged some poor men, who have been standing there innocently waiting for the lift, when the lift door has opened and I am in the aforementioned pose.
The next useful Technique should probably be called
The Scuba Diver Training Technique.
I have been forced to adopt this technique, virtually every time I leave my building. This involves holding my breath and trying to be as small as possible, whilst another bunch of (I want to say morons but feel a bit guilty about it) park themselves outside the local cafe, creating an obstacle course for those of us who attempt to pass.
Well today I finally spoke up. I entered the cafe to complain, which was pretty pointless. I then actually spoke to the nearest assembled group, who had then showed me their hidden masks and had likely no doubt gone on to complain about the Local Dragon Lady. Oh wait a minute aren’t I supposed to be a frill neck Lizard? Oh well…
Yes I felt dumb but the path seemed much clearer on my return.