Gee this is hard.
Of all the things I have ever written, a bio fills me with the most dread. One minute I was an in-demand teacher in the UK, with a family and friends who loved me and who had confidently travelled the world, much of it on my own. The next I was fighting for my survival on every level.
I felt so betrayed. I still can’t quite believe the depth of the lies. Firstly from him and then from me to myself, as I tried to come to terms with this harsh new reality – trapped with nowhere to turn. The days following the birth of my darling daughter, were nightmarish. I had wound up almost dying of kidney failure, resulting from an auto-immune condition which had developed out of nowhere. I look at a photo of me taken shortly before I was hurriedly admitted to hospital and I wonder why nobody could see how sick I was.
Reaching out for help, only made things worse. He was just so plausible. I made the decision to stick it out, at least until the children were in their teens and try to make it work, so that some day in the future, I would be able to look my children in the eyes and tell them, I had given it my all.
If I had felt able to reach out and trust somebody, my preference would have been to leave.
I have been able to look them in the eye.
They are still trying to work things out for themselves. That is how I have attempted to bring them up, able to think for themselves but it has been really challenging , when some days,it feels like the whole world is intent on telling them, they(The world) know them better than they know their own minds.
Ultimately when you are in a narcissistically-abusive situation, that is still the greatest battle, trying to raise young people who can say the word No and who know their own minds. This, in my view, is still the biggest battle, even if you leave. Countering the brainwashing. I have tended to say things like,
“What do you want? What do you think? How do you feel?”
an awful lot.
It is not even about being or having been in a narcissistically- abusive relationship. It is being part of a whole narcissistically–abusive situation.
What can I say narcissistic abuse takes everything from you? It nearly took everything from me. My home, my family, my children, my life, my self respect. EVERYTHING.
My blog is about trying to reclaim, at least some of it.
Make no mistake, we are all in a battle for our hearts, minds and souls. It is just that those of us, who have been in a narcissistically- abusive situation, are more aware of this fight. In that respect, I realise that I may one day understand, that this battle, has been a gift.