This was so accurate by Surviving to Thiving, it actually triggered me. I realised what he was doing at the time and did my best to counter it. However they are so relentless in their negative behavior, it can be extremely hard to fight the constant drip drip of negativity. There was nothing he couldn’t use as an excuse to say negative things about me. He was the King of the Castle and everybody around him was supposed to worship him. I remember the times he used to feel personally attacked if his baby daughter would be sick on him after she consumed milk. Turned out she had reflux.
I noticed how often he would find a way to imply I was an unfit mother. (all the while telling the world how I was undermining him).I am not perfect and I have made many mistakes but not as many as he would have everybody believe. In fact somebody had once let slip the comment.
“If she is so awful why are the children so great?
Every time I would try to video the children with him around, he would find a way to make snarky comments. I look back at videos and realise how he was always trying to portray me me in a negative light even on a video which was being sent home to my mother. I once went to great lengths to track down an old friend of his to surprise him. He was really excited but the first thing he did was write them a letter which contained negative comments about me.
Another video made by Surviving to Thriving which really hit home, talked about how her narcissistic ex would deliberately upset her prior to any social event. I had realised how many times I had initially been grumpy when we had attended social events because he had said something caustic, just as we were going out, so of course he had looked like the hero with a difficult wife. It had improved once I had refused to go out with him a couple of times after he had criticized the way I was dressed or pointed out some faint mark on my clothing. Perhaps I relate so well to what From Surviving to Thriving says, as we both spent around twenty years stuck in a toxic relationship.
One of the hardest things to rediscover following narcissistic abuse is who you actually are. I was only too ready to take on the negative rubbish. I eventually realised that things I had assumed about myself for years, just weren’t true. It took a friend to point this out to me. For years I had been told I was untidy and forgetful. My friend actually pointed out, I was just the opposite. I had realised he had been deliberately sabotaging any attempt I had made to be organised. I vividly remember the day when (he was no longer living with us at the time) he had insisted that there was a mess, he had then found stuff and spread it all over the floor, like I had left a mess. He also deliberately lifted the wardrobe door off its hinges and had then put it back on, pretending to fix a problem, he had deliberately created. Once after he had been away for a work trip for a week (While we were still together) , I remember him hunting frantically around the house for something to complain about upon his return.. He had become absolutely desperate because I had really tried hard to have everything nice for him to come home to. He had eventually found something I had missed, then ranted and raved at me He had then finally headed calmly off to bed, leaving my nerves once again frazzled.
I think I have been triggered because he has tried to hoover me again this weekend using the children. What he doesn’t seem to get, is that his every hoover attempt, just reminds me how glad I am to finally be rid of him (and his fan club.)