Watch “Delta Goodrem – In This Life (Video – 4×3 Version)” on YouTube

In This Life-Delta Goodrem

Source: Delta Goodrem https://www.youtube.com/user/deltagoodrem

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Keeping The Peace

In my view it is not really possible to deal with narcissistic abuse without at least beginning to acknowledge there is a spriritual dimension to all this. Things I had learned from my alternative friend had really helped me understand. Too many weird things happen when you are caught in a narcissistically abusive situation, for it all to be dismissed as a coincidence. These toxic beings share such similar behaviours. In my experience, I was often attacked by people who had no obvious connection with the primary abuser. Things used to work in my life and then suddenly it was almost as if nothing worked. Once I made him number one, suddenly I was engaged in some mysterious struggle, with forces I did not understand. I eventually had very little choice but to lean on God. Time and time again his nasty little schemes had come undone, as God had stepped in. He, (the toxic being)had become wary. Even he recognised that he was not getting everything his own way. He had learned to tread a little more carefully. I liked to think he was becoming more content. We could go months without incident. Then something, normally related to his family of origin, would trigger him and our peace would once more be shattered. I removed objects from the house associated with the troublemakers and did a lot of praying. I worked on the philosophy that as long as we were having five positive experiences for every negative one, things were ok. Part of him was trying to break free from the dark forces controlling him, I am sure but he couldn’t quite do it. The point was made to me that whilst he had really seemed to relish the times where we were allowed to get quietly on with our family life, in the end he constantly enabled those who sabotaged it.

As it was pointed out to me, yes others were always causing mischief but he was allowing it to happen.

A Mind Of Our Own

When you are the victim of narcissistic abuse, you are caught in a web.  I know at times  I even felt a degree of security, while trapped and wrapped tightly in their silken threads.

stuck on you animation GIF by Barbara Pozzi

 

Each thread has to be removed and be prepared, this will probably take time. Escape can take patience, courage and determination. I am in the process I believe of breaking the very last of these silken bonds. Like a spider sitting in the corner of a web, these beings seem to sense movement and struggle. They then go back to secure their victim with more web and perhaps another paralysing bite. I try to ensure I am one meal not worth the consequences these days.

I am probably a bit unusual in that through my teacher training, I recognised much of what he was doing but I could not bring myself to completely face the fact that, it was entirely deliberate. In my mind, one day he was going to come to me apologise and own his behaviour, whereupon we would live happily ever after.

sorry customer service GIF by Slanted Studios

 

I watched him try to train us all.  As a teacher I know children often crave attention more than anything else. Any attention is usually better than being ignored. He would deliberately re-enforce negative behaviour by rewarding it with his attention. He would encourage them to ignore boundaries by saying “No” to them and immediately caving once they(the children) started to badger him. If you have to co-parent with a toxic partner, whether you are living with them or not, you have to work doubly hard on teaching boundaries. I watched the way he tried to use language to program us all. My counter would usually be to ask my youngsters,

What do you want?

or

What do you like?

or

What do you think?

to help them develop their own opinions, likes and dislikes.

One of my children wrote him a powerful missive, once they had hit their teens, basically telling him what they thought. He had immediately became the unappreciated victim. This had helped to put an end to  one important aspect of his shenanigans however. I think the most important thing anybody trying to co-parent with a toxic partner can do. is to teach them(the children) to think for themselves. They will turn on you at times but it nonetheless means, in my opinion, you have done your job. My youngsters will also tell me without hesitation when they feel I am wrong about something. This can be challenging at times but I remember once thanking my father for encouraging me to have a mind of my own. I truly recognised what a precious gift this was, once I realised the number of people, who had not been allowed to think for themselves or to hold their own opinions.

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