In the latter stages of our relationship, my profound mistrust of the toxic person in my life, had meant that I had insisted all of our important business was to be conducted in writing.
The writing habit had started when I had become seriously physically ill and I had realised I was having trouble recalling things. ( I now suspect this was due as much to gaslighting, as to any actual issues with my physical health.)
When you do things in this way, it can really bring things like gaslighting into the light. When I look back the future faking is crystal clear. How many times did I have things dangled in front of me, which had never eventuated?
When it came to making arrangements, these were often vague and confusing. I had always assumed that language was simply not his forte. Looking back, I must not have been the only person who had issues with his vague style of written communication, as his various places of employment, had also sent him on courses, to teach him clear and effective written communication.
He was required to write me an apology letter at one stage, as a legal consequence of his behaviour. I had found it (his apology) rather confusing. I note now with some amusement, his use of the phrase “self-aware”. This was no doubt a phrase fed to him by some naive counsellor, whom he had been forced to attend as a consequence of his actions. What had particularly stuck out to me, was his use of the word “family”. I had felt it was left deliberately ambiguous. In essence, I had surmised he was really apologising to his family of origin, for having been caught out, rather than to me and the children.
Arrangements were always a nightmare. He had consistently managed to leave enough room for confusion. The pattern was often, he would turn up late, then yell and scream at everybody else to hurry up. Typical was the time our youngsters were both heading off on a school trip for a week and he had managed to reduce all of us to tears (turning up late then berating everybody else.) I had rung them both, once I had known he was gone, to check they were ok. After that I relied less and less on his help with such matters.
Arrangements are often still vague and confusing. Even with the involvement of lawyers, he has consistently refused to stick to written arrangements. He had behaved himself for a while following legal challenges but he was soon back to his deliberately vague communication style.
Knowing The Narcissist
Narcissism Decoded, ’12 Classic Propaganda Techniques Narcissists Use To Manipulate You.