Look Into My Eyes

The narcissist in my life, has an uncanny ability to zombify those around him. I have seen it time and time again. You know those cartoons where the victim receives a phone call and suddenly their eyes start revolving and they instantly appear to wander around in a trance.

My current theory is they train people to respond to key words and the key word only has to be uttered and suddenly the target is “hypnotised”. In my case the word “cousin” comes to mind. Whenever the word “cousin” was uttered, everybody was supposed to drop everything and attend.

Must go. Must do as told…

Look into my eyes!

From Giphy.com 


Suddenly nothing else mattered. I actually think this was part of the programming of my ex, by his family of origin. In a way, I accidentally countered this, by revealing that everybody, was in fact our cousin. (through genealogy) This particular word had then began to lose some of its power.

The toxic person repeats the “hypnotic” word at every conceivable opportunity. The toxic being in my life would often fall back on these words. This act was meant to strip away all defences. However being the contrary person that I am, once I heard one of his key words or phrases, I would attempt to work out what he was trying to achieve and  find ways to go the other way. He had realised eventually, that if he had wanted my co-operation, his “hypnotic”  words and phrases were probably best avoided.

Purple Woman


The Daily Realities of Racism

My part Jamaican friend was the first person who had ever explained to me, what it was like to be on the receiving end of racism. She had told me for example, that her respectable accountant brother, had been stopped and searched on more than one occasion. She was once in a high end store looking at wedding dresses with me, when she had apparently been made to feel uncomfortable by the sales assistants.

I was shocked the other day, when I had witnessed first-hand a racist incident myself. I was upset that I had been too slow to react, as I had not realised till too late what was happening. I had been waiting at a bus stop when two Chinese girls had been quietly chatting and minding their own business. Another woman had come along and had appeared to join in their conversation. Just before the end of the dialogue, I had finally realised that the young girls were being berated for conversing in a language other than English, I had not noticed there was anything wrong, as the young girls had handled things so politely and calmly.

As soon as I had ascertained what was happening, I had spoken to one of the young girls and apologised for not having defended them. She had mentioned that she and her friend had simply been trying to have a private conversation in their own language. I had wanted to give her a hug but had felt helpless.

How many times had I engaged in a private conversation, in English with a friend, whilst I was on my travels? Nobody has ever criticised me for it. The world is a richer place for our diversity. I love listening to people speaking other languages. I think it is a shame that some find the use of a language other than English,( or perhaps more particularly a different race) so threatening.


Please Leave A Message

If I were to give one tip to anybody thinking of leaving a toxic person. it would be:

Get an answer machine.

Answering Machine Message

The answer machine has been an absolute blessing. Not only can it filter out the toxic people in your life, it can also handle flying monkeys for you and collect evidence of the behaviour. I cannot begin to say, how many calls have been discontinued, once people have struck the answer machine. Some people do try to get round it. I had a few occasions where an attempt was made to talk through the machine to me but at least I had evidence.

Intentional Vagueness

confusion (2)In the latter stages of our relationship, my profound mistrust of the toxic person in my life, had meant that I had insisted all of our important business  was to be conducted in writing.

The writing habit had started when I had become seriously physically ill and I had realised I was having trouble recalling things. ( I now suspect this was  due as much to gaslighting, as to any actual issues with my physical health.)

When you do things in this way, it can really bring things like gaslighting into the light. When I look back the future faking is crystal clear. How many times did I have things dangled in front of me, which had never eventuated?

Webp.net-gifmaker (65)

When it came to making arrangements, these were often vague and confusing. I had always assumed that language was simply not his forte. Looking back, I must not have been the only person who had issues with his vague style of written communication, as his various places of employment, had also sent him on courses, to teach him clear and effective written communication.

He was required to write me an apology letter at one stage, as a legal consequence of his behaviour. I had found it (his apology) rather confusing. I note now with some amusement, his use of the phrase “self-aware”. This was no doubt a phrase fed to him by some naive counsellor, whom he had been forced to attend as a consequence of his actions. What had particularly stuck out to me, was his use of the word “family”. I had felt it was left deliberately ambiguous. In essence, I had surmised he was really apologising to his family of origin, for having been caught out, rather than to me and the children.

Arrangements were always a nightmare. He had consistently managed to leave enough room for confusion. The pattern was often, he would turn up late, then yell and scream at everybody else to hurry up. Typical was the time our youngsters were both heading off on a school trip for a week and he had managed to reduce all of us to tears (turning up late then berating everybody else.) I had rung them both, once I had known he was gone, to check they were ok. After that I relied less and less on his help with such matters.

Arrangements are often still vague and confusing. Even with the involvement of lawyers, he has consistently refused to stick to written arrangements. He had behaved himself for a while following legal challenges but he was soon back to his deliberately vague communication style.


Knowing The Narcissist


Narcissism Decoded, ’12 Classic Propaganda Techniques Narcissists Use To Manipulate You.