I very nearly finished with my ex narc some thirteen years before the end had finally come. It is so interesting to look at what I wrote at the time as I had tried to process everything. It is very similar to things I have read on the blogs of others who have experienced or who are still experiencing narcissistic abuse. I am actually a bit surprised looking at it now and viewing it with the benefit of hindsight, how spot on I was.
I am just there… I feel cheated. Our relationship is not real. He has stretched the truth all along and I have fallen for it. No depth to our relationship.
I had then decided to work my way through Dr Phil’s Relationship Rescue. It was a turning point for me. It had forced me to observe him. I had learned a few things which had really helped me to feel more empowered. I went to great lengths to try to honour the things which had seemed important to him. However I confess my motives were not entirely selfless. I had to know, I had really given it my all, before walking away. The things I had learned through my observations, have actually proven useful over the years, even though our relationship was ultimately doomed.
I seem to remember, I may also have been pretty close to developing an eating disorder myself as a teenager. I became particularly adept at secretly feeding my meals to our dog and praying the dog would finish licking its lips before mum came in.
I also remember weighing myself obsessively. I found reading the post by Beauty Beyond Bones really enlightening and was a little horrified, when I had realised just how close to a full-blown eating disorder my teenage self, had sailed.
I should add here, our dog had lived to a ripe old age, even if he had at various stages perhaps appeared a little round. (It wasn’t all me.)
Realizing the narcissists in my life knew very well what they were doing was a revelation for me. They purposefully and knowingly hurt others without regret, empathy or taking responsibility. They are in control of their actions at all time because they must impress those who have yet to see behind the mask. Narcissists do it on purpose!