In the early stages, I kept a record on the fridge of how many days I had gone ‘No Contact’ It was really hard. Particularly as he had made several attempts to message me or call me. Fortunately we have an answerphone. He did not anticipate my reaction, I am sure. He had expected me to call him continually heartbroken and crying. He had expected me to sit around hoping one day, I would let myself be hoovered back as the “love of his life”. I won’t pretend it was easy, but I just knew I was done. The door was closed. I couldn’t open it again, even if I had wanted to.
Mostly I was just relieved. Having been busy ticking boxes for years, I knew there was nothing more I could have done. I still periodically run through things in my head but then always come to the same conclusion. I gave it my all. I had loved with all my heart and I knew there was nothing more I could have done. I was able to give myself the closure, they so gleefully deny.
I had planned for my moments of weakness and written things down to remind myself of the reality of the situation I had been in. If you have just left a toxic partner, anticipate that your brain will play tricks on you. It will replay the good times and try to convince you that the bad times really weren’t really that bad. Dana from Thrive after Abuse suggests writing a For When you Miss Him List.
From my research it seems to me, just about all victims of narcissistic abuse experience some serious anger for a while. I had always wanted to do my version of Glady’s way of handling things from. How to make an American Quilt This may have been my fantasy but in the end I found other ways of dealing with my negative emotions. In my life, I have often achieved the most when I have been angry.