Making Life A Bit Better

I would like to mention here, somebody who has a beautiful ambition. Yasmin and her blog A Bit Better. What a simple and totally authentic goal for a blog. Yasmin follows this with her words and deeds.

If we all sought like Yasmin to make people’s lives A Bit Better maybe in the end everybody’s life would be a whole lot better.

 

 

 

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Flashbacks

Feeling triggered is one of the most lasting effects of narcissistic abuse. It is like they(the narcissistically abusive person) implant some kind of internal button ready for them to push at any time. I try not to let these triggers govern me and I am getting better at handling things but there are still moments when I  am reactive.

Something just triggered me and I decided to write about it. Feeling triggered was not a bad thing. I  had actually felt slightly relieved. It has totally cured me of any nostalgia which may have been creeping into my brain. Go ahead trigger me all you like. You are doing me a favour.

Thank you emotional flashback. I know you have just done your job.

The Blessing

Yesterday while watching a crime documentary, (I have always had an interest in crime and what makes criminals tick.) I had suddenly realised I had a clarity of vision, which I had never had before. The pure narcissistic rage which had culminated in this particular, terrible event, was suddenly visible to me. It was like I  had dramatically obtained some kind of super power. Move over Spider-Man!

 Upon reflection I too have experienced the fangs of a spider sinking into me, in more ways than one. 

This insight was actually the last thing I  had initially wanted. Part of me would still love to go back to the  rose-coloured world I thought I knew, but that place no longer exists for me.

 

rose coloured glasses

Recognising the need a couple of years ago, I  had also obtained a legal qualification. It has been money and time well-spent. ( I would throroughly recommend this to anyone trying to extricate themselves from a toxic entanglement.) This has also helped empower me. The threats had no longer intimidated me in the same way. It had been useful all round too, as I  had dealt with the multitude of flying monkeys sent my way. Perhaps most importantly of all, I have felt able to  truly recognise through this experience, the great love which has always sheltered me.

Watching this particular crime documentary, shockingly I had found, I had felt like a seasoned detective.

detective

I didn’t like it much. Where were my rose-coloured glasses? Where had the world I had once lived in disappeared to? Gone forever…

This  blessing we have all been given, may have come at great personal cost but there is  eventually ( or so I believe, ) a silver lining to this particularly dark storm cloud.

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The Boy’s Club

I have a secret weapon. My brother was a mechanic and a tyre fitter.  He would spend hours telling me what they got up to, so I am unusually well-informed in those matters. In fact when we had wound up being charged an excessive amount for a car service, I was the one who had dealt with it and had managed to persuade them charge a more realistic amount. I had never really felt affected by the boy’s club before my marrriage but from that point on the backslapping and sideways glances exchanged between men,  have really annoyed me. Even more aggravating were the men and even occasionally women, who straight up ignored me as they talked to my husband as if I weren’t there. It is not macho. It is not bonding. It is just plain rude!

I have always enjoyed chatting to men and usually like male conversation, not all of us want to talk washing machines and recipes all the time. In fact you would probably be amazed how much I know about tyres and wheel-balancing. I was told to leave my ex to handle things but was not my way. I am not Penelope Pitstop. Mind you didn’t she secretly fix everything with a hairpin? My father was an engineer. I am totally at home talking electronics and software.

Nothing annoys  and upsets me more than being expected to only mix with the women. Guys the next time you are with your partner and you notice a mate-introduce them to your partner.

Yes we might rattle on about children and washing machines sometimes but there is always room for a conversation about tyres in my life. My son shocked me once by announcing that the conversations me and my daughter had were boring. I was outraged, This was an individual whom I had calmly taught to build Bionicles and to whom I  had listened patiently for hours, as he had gone on about the virtues of the various Toa.(skip through the swearing bit at the end)

It had never occured to him that this might have involved some effort on my part.

Still I am glad I do make that effort. I used to love watching a boys’s eyes light up when I would hear him read in school and he  had realised I could talk dinosaurs, cars, lego etc.